


Laced

by orphan_account



Category: Diary - Fandom, None - Fandom
Genre: Diary/Journal, Drug Abuse, Drug Use, Drugs, Vent Writing, i wrote this after a quarantine breakdown, im so sorry, personal
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-28
Updated: 2020-06-28
Packaged: 2021-03-04 06:00:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,464
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24958762
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: A piece of vent work I did. Kind of a diary? just needed to get it off my chest.About my experience with my first time eating edibles, and they most likely were laced. I had one hell of a trip that was fucked up and I’m still not over it. Think twice before you try stuff when you don’t know exactly what’s in it. I am in no way romanticizing drug use, just sharing my experience the way it happened.I’m not claiming to be a good writer, so if you have any criticism or advice feel free to comment(also if you think you know what I was on let me know because I’m curious as hell)





	Laced

**Author's Note:**

> Fucked up mention of tongues?? I guess lmao

I need to write this all down before I forget. I don’t exactly _need_ to, but it would be nice to have a solid record of my poor life choices. I stole my mom's edibles. Nice smelling chocolate squares in a plain white carton. Innocent enough. Her best friend gave them to her over dinner as a birthday gift. When I asked her about it later, she said she hadn't even touched them. 

I rifled through her underwear drawer with shaking hands until I found the clear Tupperware container where she stores her weed. I didn’t do this thing often. The whole rebellious thing I mean. So when I do, I’m always panicky. Looking over my shoulder every five seconds, any and every creak made me jump out of my skin. Once I grabbed the carton, I shoved it up my sleeve, grabbed some q-tips from her bathroom in case if anybody saw me coming out I had an alibi. I hid away in my room for the upteenth time that week. I once got in trouble for stealing her weed a few years ago, but that time I didn’t actually do it. My grandfather took me up in his room to show me something cool, and it was the joint my mom had been saving for over a year. Next thing you know I’m being blamed for smoking it. Pissed was an understatement. Of course though, my mother was worried about all the wrong things. She was more mad about her weed being stolen then her fourteen year old allegedly smoking weed. Off topic.  
  
I know I shouldn’t have taken her chocolates. But this was quarantine, and I was losing my mind. Days and nights were blurring together and I couldn’t take the noise in my head anymore. I wanted to shut everything up. I heard from my friends that that’s exactly what weed does. Blocked out the unwanted thoughts. I needed that. 

Back in my room, I took a look inside the box. Only two squares were left. _Liar_. I decided that night time was the best course of action, I laid in bed and played Animal Crossing until the anticipation got the best of me. I was never a patient person. I could never wait for my mother and brother to go to bed. I needed it right then. I waited an hour tops before popping one into my mouth. It was the most disgusting, disappointing thing I’ve ever tasted. The tartness made my jaw hurt and my eyes water. I felt chunks of the flower across my tongue and between my teeth. The urge to gag was overbearing. _Why did people do this?_ The thick burn of vodka was better than that. As I went downstairs to wash my mouth out, I texted Katie about it. She told me I was lucky and to save one for her. I disagreed and told her about the taste. She didn’t seem to mind.

I sat down on my bed and grabbed my switch to play animal crossing. I didn’t feel anything for the first half hour, so I decided to try the last square, but this time I was prepared for the taste. Or not. Even with my nose plugged it was even worse the second time around. I was sure I was going to vomit. The slightly contaminated paint water went down the hatch. Anything to get the wretched taste out of my mouth. It swished around in my mouth until the chunks of herb dislodged from my molars.

It occurred to me that I should check how much I actually took. 135 grams in an edible. I’m 5”2. What a ride it was.

I toyed the idea of showering for a bit, but decided against it when the heaviness of my eyelids proved itself to be too much and I succumbed to the thought of sleep. I put down my switch and turned around to get comfortable. That’s when it started. It took a second for my brain to process the fact that I’ve turned my head. Senses lagged like an old video game. It was a but nauseating, but _exciting_. After an hour and a half, I was finally feeling _something_. I don’t remember being upright, but there I was, sitting against my headboard….. and then I itched my head. Everything hit me like a freight train. The scratches felt _amazing_. My scalp was hypersensitive to the feeling of my fingernails dragging themselves along my skin. Every micromovement felt electric. I took my hands away for a moment to look at my hands. They were so fuzzy it was like they weren’t there at all. Mist almost. But they were so _lovely_. And I was so _lonely_. _They could be my friends right?_ I stared at my liquid fingers with a grin so wide my lips cracked and bled at the corners. Moving my head back and forth like a viper, I sighed. This was what I was meant to feel all along. My eyes were still heavy and my mouth hung open in awe. The idea of napping was long gone. I was wide awake. My hands found their way back to my head and my sole focus was scratching until I was raw. . . Trying to dig out the happiness. The feeling was unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. Colors danced across my vision and I didn’t want it to fade away. I couldn’t let it fade away. I dug at my scalp until the happiness oozed out and I went cross eyed. I started laughing. Giggling even. Rocking side to side like A dumbass. Somewhere along the way I ended up completely folded in on myself; limp in the middle of my bed.

 _This is just the placebo effect,_ I told myself. _It has to be. There’s no possible way I can be high. I’m just imagining things_. I don’t remember standing, but there I was, dancing on my bed(and I _never_ dance). I was clumsy, tripping over myself, but I didn’t care. My arms flailed around as my feet moved toward the edge of my bed. Then, I was in front of a mirror. My eyes were red and puffy, like they were trying their hardest to push themselves out of the socket. It never registered that my eyes hurt until that moment. I looked horrible. _Ugly...Hideous... So pretty... I’m so desirable... I’m disgusting…_ My thoughts came in slow, but piled on top of each other. I would think one thing, stop mid thought, have another idea, stop, and pick up where I left off with the previous one. The cycle repeated itself over and over and over. It drove me fucking insane. My one coherent thought was how annoying it was. Then the thought disappeared for a while. Then came back. Gone again.

A shower felt like a good idea then. I gathered my phone, a t-shirt and some underwear before stumbling my way into the bathroom with minimal bruising. I wasn’t used to feeling this way. Addiction runs deep on both sides of my family, so when I had six shots of vodka in one sitting I didn’t feel a thing except rosy cheeks. _A placebo. That’s all this is. I usually don’t feel anything, so I’m not feeling anything now._

I placed my clothes on the toilet and put on a Shower Playlist. I stood there with only my bottoms on, staring at nothing for who knows how long before finally turning on the shower. I roll up my sleeve and turn the knob towards me. The pushing sensation of my eyes came back full force. I have my phone in hand, but for some reason I couldn’t for the life of me remember what I was doing on it, so I stood there once again for an unknown amount of time.

I looked at the wall beside me, and I was appalled. The ceiling was so high. I was so close to the ground. I was so small. _What the fuck what the fuck._ My breathing began to accelerate until I was light headed. I couldn’t deal with it. My thoughts passed a mile a minute but I couldn’t make sense of them. That made me panic even more..

My eyes darted to the ceiling, back to the floor. All of a sudden my bathroom was two sizes too small. This couldn’t be happening. Why is this happening. _Fuck fuck fuck I made such a huge mistake._ I gripped both sides of my head harder than I should’ve and began to hyperventilate. Placebo. It’s a placebo. This can be happening. I looked up. Looked down. Looked up. I was so small. The was so tall. _Alice in wonderland_ , I thought to myself, and that’s exactly what it felt like. I focus on the shower curtain but it’s so close to me that I could see the texture of the fabric. _That must be it. It’s a new curtain_. I turn my head to the opposite wall and I’m being closed in. The walls were an inch away from touching me. _Are we so poor that we can’t afford a bigger bathroom? I don’t remember it being this small._ I breathed so hard I felt the bottom of my ribs touch my spine. Next thing I know, I’m in the shower still gripping my head. Pathetically.. brokenly whispering aloud, “ ** _it’s not a placebo_** ” over and over between ragged breaths as all the air I even had was thrusted out of my lungs and into the steam.

I snapped out of it. Suddenly I’m fine. It was all a placebo. Sitting down in the shower, folded in half, I thought how easy it was to give myself a panic attack while high. I thought the idea was funny so I replicated my breaths from before. Heavy inhale. Harsh exhale; and then I’m dying, trying to push my eyes back into their sockets with my kneecaps. Hands on my head once again. I’m breathing in all of the steam. Felt it in the back of my throat and in my nose. In my lungs. I thought that was how I was gonna die. All the steam was gonna build up in my lungs and I would drown. The steam was gonna get me and strangle me in my sleep. It hurt but I didn’t move. Just gripped my scalp and cried.

My thought patterns scared me. I couldn’t think more than one thing at once. My thoughts cut out and got replaced by another before continuing where I left off. Washing my hair, I rested my head against the tub and and tried to replicate that special feeling by scratching my scalp for a bit. It worked, but not in the same way. Wasn’t as intense. I was so foggy. I was so dizzy. I couldn’t focus on anything. Not even the wall in front of me. Nothing was solid.

I was back in bed and I was blown away by the most amazing feeling in the world. I laid on my back with my arm thrown over my eyes and I soaked everything in. I saw the electricity radiating off of my body in waves. It was green and shot up from my body in small squiggles about an inch high before dissipating. Cycle repeats. I felt so many things.

My eyes hurt just then. They burned so bad. The arm thrown over my eyes was wet from my blinking eyes. Bare skin was on my eyes. I’m a fucking dumbass.

A sick shudder goes up my spine and I wondered if high me was more creative than sober me. I wanted to paint something, but the bed was so comforting; I decided to do the next best thing: experiment with my creativity. I imagined a wet, sloppy tongue slipping its way into my ear canal. I could hear the disgusting sounds and my stomach churned. I could feel the way it wriggled inside of me. Long and horrible and deep. Then there were two, then three. They kept shoving their way in until the final number was six. My ear was too full but they just kept pushing their way in until my head split open. They went from my ear canal to my throat. Fucked it raw. Like long tentacles they came out of my mouth and nose up into my eyes and holy fuck I need to stop being so fucked up.

My breathing was ragged again. My ribs touched my spine again. That area glowed red with every inhale. In my head, I saw my body in x-ray vision. I turned on my side and a new feeling arose just as amazing as the first. There were pink and purple waves this time. They fell over me like a blessing from Aphrodite herself. Rolled over slightly more. Green and blue. My body lights up like a neon sign. Then I also thought sober me would think I was being ridiculous right now. _Sober me? I am sober._ _This is just a placebo._ I'm not really paying attention anymore. I keep zoning out but I love it.

It was when I finally decided to fall asleep that I felt sick to my stomach. I rolled back and forth for hours with intense pain. I was nauseous and swore I was going to vomit the chocolates back up. I haven’t thrown up in seven years, but thought I might break that personal record. It went on for hours. I have multiple medical issues and I’ve never been that sick before. I don’t know what was wrong with me. All the nice feelings disappeared and I was left with nothing but suffering. After what felt like an eternity I fell asleep only to wake up with a throat dryer than the Sahara desert. I felt I was gonna die from it. I would shrivel up like a dried grape and turn to dust. My thoughts only got more rapid and disturbing. I cried into my pillowcase at my own twisted fantasies. I still don’t know if I was hallucinating or if the drugs were enhancing my twisted creativity.

The first thing I noticed when I was finally sober was that my head was unbelievably quiet.

...

I think I understand addicts now. What terrifies me is even though my trip was awful, I would do it all over again just for those five minutes of glee. I’m ashamed of myself for thinking that way, but it’s true. If I could get my hands on it again I take it without hesitation. I just hope I don’t seek it out. Please don’t let me get to a point where I seek it out.


End file.
